Mompiphany #48: Signs You Are Ready To Have A Baby

Me enjoying some sushi.

There comes a certain point at the end of a pregnancy when you know it is time to have the baby. Excluding having your water break or experiencing contractions, there are a few other (non-medical) tell-tale signs that you are absolutely, 100% ready to have a baby.

I am a few days shy of being 40 weeks pregnant, and despite the fact that I have been walking around 3cm dilated and having irregular contractions for weeks now, I know that this baby is ready to come out. If you are pregnant and have experienced any of the following, you may be ready to have your baby too:

1. You have made a small child gasp in horror while out in public. The other day while eating lunch out with my children, I noticed a little girl see me, gasp, and run and whisper something to her mother. At this point I don’t do anything quickly so before I could look away in utter embarrassment, I caught the gaze of the mother who rushed over to me (sensing my mortification and clearly seeing the death look I was giving her beloved child) and apologized profusely, explaining that her child had never seen someone “so pregnant” before.

2. Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. As a woman, I am used to a fair amount of attention from men. Do they fawn all over me now that I am rolling in mini-van? Not necessarily, but on a good day, I may catch the attention of a gentleman who appreciates the simple beauty of a suburban housewife. Anyway, now that I am 9 months pregnant, it is apparent that my milkshake brings all of the boys to the yard. Grown men stare at me, and I am assuming it is not because they want some of THIS. They stare because they don’t know what else to do! They ask if they can pump the gas for me and they offer to help me with my groceries out of Trader Joe’s. If I’m honest, I do think that I am going to miss all of this special treatment.

3. You think EXTREMELY unkind thoughts about whichever of your kids thought it would be a good idea to eat your last blue raspberry italian ice and not say anything about it. ‘Nuff said.

4. You weigh almost the same amount as your husband and your cleaning lady keeps putting your clothes on his side of the closet. My husband is 6′ 5″ and I am 5’ 6″ and we weigh almost the same amount and the fact that he has used my last pregnancy as a time to rededicate himself to a hard core fitness regime and healthy eating habits is something that I will never ever forgive him for.

5. The ability to sleep through the night has ceased to exist and you have watched every single episode of Girls and still cannot understand what the allure is. I will say that the one good thing about this series is that it has made me embrace my pregnancy body even more. Looking at the physiques of the ladies on the show who unabashedly show their nakedness every single episode has me even more prepared to bare it all with zero inhibitions in a room full of strangers.

Today, I have (what I am assuming based on my symptoms discussed above) my last in office visit at my doctor’s office before I have the baby, and I could care less what the doctor finds when she measures my tummy, takes my blood pressure, weighs me or assesses my physical situation. I AM READY TO HAVE THIS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!! And Lord help us all if she does not agree!